Monday, March 27, 2017
I don't think I have an outward online persona, or if I want one. It's such a 'modern' facade; to make an impression based purely on a handful of images. I'm certainly happy with myself - self confidence has never been something I've lacked, which luckily pits me a bit ahead of the game when it comes to decision making and longterm intentions - but when it comes to a digital calling card, I prefer an artistic face - it represents me far better than a particularly attractive photo. I'd rather use the desaturated vector of myself from this very site as a one-note collection of 'me' than a photograph. Why blather about in reality when we have an entire vast digital world which can make our personalities so much more diverse?
This is something I've always toyed with... bouncing between an eccentric impact radiating from an electric homepage, to one that hardly existed at all. I think it's all about influence; I've never felt the need to project myself on the internet without a guiding hand. Perhaps because I take no interest in present-day phenomena, or perhaps because, again, I can sort of preemptively see the dishonesty of it all. The times which I have had a strong foundation of posts and the like were certainly fun, in a mindless sort of way, but I also feel as if something about pouring all of yourself into a medium purely intended to flaunt is fraudulent. Maybe even a little bit distasteful.
Even this blog is intended to be snugly packed in a dark corner of the net... I think an analytical following might limit what, as well as when I'd be willing to express. I'm familiar with the itch a consistent creator gets when they haven't envisioned a new piece in even the shortest of time, and the less of it I get, the better. My accounts on forums and the like are brief, avoiding a lot of specifics about myself besides perhaps a name or age here and there. I'm not even too sure what to do with my currently steady flow of art - as it is, I totally appreciate recognition, and I'd like to make the hobby something more boastable if for no other reason than to have but another small glimmer of pride, but the warmth of holding my creations tightly rather than treat them as golden eggs is comfortable.
I wonder what it's like to not have so many thoughts - or at least, to have fewer that go against the grain. Then again, I know I've been in that mind before; but it wasn't as neatly spotless and upbeat as one would imagine. It's a room pumped to the brim with Laughing Gas, dulling the mind and sharpening the smile. It has solid black concrete walls, shoddily build furnishings, and deeply melancholy overtones - but the sensations are so entrancing, one sees and just as quickly forgets. I guess that speaks for itself, doesn't it? "Ignorance is Bliss" is really something of a stupid phrase. That pillbottle is lined with annotations that imply it'll eventually leave a worse impact than a present boost. It's always fun feeling a new rush, but don't go in without a gasmask... you'll still get a few small whiffs of the enticing odors, and you'll also be more protected than ever.