Godzilla Day 2026: Excessively Large Promotional Item Attack!

Happy (Late) Godzilla Day! This'ere's a big 'ol ramble, I tell'ya h'what. 

So, first off, off the bat, I got the MMS Godzilla Evolved Godzilla Store Exclusive - phew - an amazing translucent redeco much more reminiscent of the movie than the original figure. Even though he's seemingly considered... Ass, I've always loved Evo, and his cute lil' MMS - I knew I'd have to eventually score this variant.

Second - Godzilla Minus Zero!

Minus Zero was a total monster-mash... with a slight heavy-handedness very narrowly aiming for prestige. Insane, gory, wicked kaiju action - yet, as all-too-often is the case... not enough of it? 

I promise I'm not one of Those Guys who always gotta hate the "Human Stuff". There's loads of iconic stories throughout the franchise; the possessed prophet queen from Ghidorah The Three Headed Monster - the Godzilla hurricane chasers from G2K - the Red Bamboo! You could go on. There's even ones like Gamera Vs. Barugon or Space Amoeba where the kaiju are honestly the less interesting characters! 

Unfortunately, in this film's case... I dunno.  There's this excellent tense disaster-horror trapped beneath a weighty casket-lid of Melodrama; very, very overinfluenced by the first film's success. Maybe I went in with the wrong mindset, ya never know, but I was sort of hoping the Dramatics would be more the first film's thing, y'know? Too much Crying Baby. Too much rage. To me, it gets into, like... Indian TV Serial. Its manipulative, it's all way too much. 

When Yamazaki goes wild, he goes wild - captivating gore, incredible brutality. Really quite relevant to our present times, in multiple ways. The first film's themes were excellent, in and of themselves - and sometimes, those themes carried into the sequel fit just about as well - but I think a more adventurous sense of levity would better fit what I perceive to be his interests. I mean, just look at the Godzilla Rides he himself directed - there are scenes in Zero that dip into this more colorful, while still serious energy - kaiju, and otherwise - and they're great. I assume the inevitable third movie will, as per tradition, go further down this route - especially based on my prediction...*

This all being said - when its good, it's good. Sort of a genetic mish-mash of Godzilla Vs Biollante, the Heisei Gamera trilogy, and Terror of MechaGodzilla... with dashings of Godzilla: KotM and Godzilla X MechaGodzilla. In a broad sense, Minus Zero absolutely pays off on what you're here for - the monsters! The doom, the gloom! They want EFX! Some live F-X...

Old-heads will enjoy Godzilla's return to his Heisei-era role - complete with Miki. Far from the film's focus, he's like an uncontrollable storm; a role shared by his strange, three-headed demon clone, King Ghidorah.

Though appropriately horrific, and grand, Ghiddy's a pretty direct evolution of the Monsterverse incarnation - it's not a bad thing, it isn't necessarily "more of the same"... it's more of the... familiar. Which is like, kinda good! KotM's kaiju scenes are a great thing to rip off; and though I do think the 2019 version reigns superior, Zero Ghidorah very memorably takes the new series to a much welcomed stranger place. I adored his golden glow - his satanic charisma - his mythic, unreal scale. 

Spoilers? You got it. Baby Ghidorah is totally just Gyaos. The elderly man I met outside the theater agreed. Godzilla's new form isn't relevant - and anyone who thought the NYC shot was, somehow, "only for the trailers", Is A Clown. I'm sort of surprised there wasn't a second Godzilla - I well expect one of these modern movies to break that conceptual ice - but, then... Ghidodzilla was Amazeballs. What a freak. Where's the MMS!? So far, the leaked standard figure looks pretty generic. Might end up going for the Giga, but... I think I'd better wait.

You ever notice since they keep doing this Godzilla-mutant-expy storyline? Biollante, SpaceGodzilla, Orga... no hate. Just noticing.

I gave it a 3.5, over on Tha Box'd. Lower than Minus One, which I last rated 4; but, Zero is certainly more to my tastes. Gross, strange, very memorable and even enjoyably debatable in its flaws. The original holds incredibly solid - and though the sequel, I suspect, won't exactly carry that flame, I loved it's bold new ideas. 

* Also, part three is 100% gonna be MechaGodzilla. Not-Yamane is Not-Yafune. Badda Bing. Watch.

Oh, yeah. I got the popcorn bucket. You don't wanna know how much this "Sucka EmCee" cost. I didn't plan on nabbing one, with that in mind - but as the impish little man behind the counter flaunted a little IMAX promo poster, singing the praise of Godzilla's massive, plastic-pollutant popcorn surprise... he had to be mine. Both the popcorn bucket, and the Man.

Us at Greg's Bar and Grill...
Never did get his name...

He's my son, and I am ambivalent towards him, on a familial level. Both the popcorn bucket, and the Man.

Y'know something weird?! I was given the display model(!), because, according to the employee, the rest had broken arms. Lo and behold... if you know, you know. Same arm, too.

Not to mention... his spikes come out...

You wanna talk about the figure? Let's talk about the figure. He's real nice. For a so-called "popcorn bucket", this is an excellent collectible - seriously pushing the boundaries of what can Contain Popcorn. There's a ton of space inside this guy - you could throw a couple cold ones in 'em. Though very hollow, it's thick, rubber spines and bulky tail give the statue an overall durability that's surprising for... what it is. I'd say he's borderline fragile... but, its a display piece. A ridiculous and amazing one, at that. 

Its a flawless sculpt - a real testament, and tribute to the lauded design. Almost like a symbol of the Minus series' insane success, in its absurdity. For the Nerds, he's real similar to the beautiful 2 foot tall Jakk's Godzilla 2014. Similar scale, similar paint... even a fairly similar design. It's just so cool - again, for a so-called "popcorn bucket"? Forgettaboudit.

I gotta say - it's a weird thing, but I love the figure's unpainted grey eyes. So GMK - or better yet, Sunset on Third Street. Always been my favorite of this Yamazaki guy's Godzillas. Again... #WheresTheMMS?

71's original commissioned concept rendering of what would,
after being Stolen, become the 2024 Godzilla design.

Anyways... after a surprise screening of 1971's Godzilla Vs The SmogMonster in the AMC restroom, we returned aboard my airborne home-away-from-home... the recently embarked, SmogLoon; just me, the popcorn bucket... and, the Man. Hubba, Hubba!

Drawn by my boyish allure, our unsuspecting prey was soon ambushed by my band of Merrie Men - or, "Handlers"; sacrificed to the Hedorah in hopes of a blessed future for 71. Another Godzilla Day, well done...

Yes, as some are aware, 71 Studios burned down just recently, on - what else? - the very night of Halloween; as it's successor is under construction, me closest mateys and I are enjoying a well-deserved vacation! For details on mass layoffs, future employment, and confirmed victims - including deceased - please visit our main site at [REDACTED], or call our toll-free number at [REDACTED]. As company founder and CEO, my standing has no relevance whatsoever to your jobs, wellbeing, or lack thereof. 

One of Godzilla's many MidLife cameos...

Stay tuned - Details to come! Let's close off with another... Happy (Late) Godzilla Day! Amen.

Love, 

The SmogMonster 

The Peter Pan Peanut Butter Poisoning of 2007: Hypostatic Pollution and The Secret of Immortality

MidLife production "art"

In the mystic year of 2007... the year of the iPhone, Daft Punk's Alive tour, and, of course, Cyclone Sidr... a bunch of "Peter Pan" brand peanut butter jars were reported... infected. In Peter's seemingly innocent nutty load, swam the terrifying, microscopic fiend... Salmonella; a shocking, and appalling perversion of not only everyone's favorite creepy feminine eunich, but the very concept of Nuts. 

I got that Peter Pan. I got that Salmonella. I believe this is a key point in my life.

I've received dozens of e-mails, superchats and fan letters over the years asking about my oft-teased "Nut Story"; my only real memory, beyond general seasickness, is hallucinating a massive unreal yellow monster truck floating above me, as I laid, dreary - possibly fading to a purple, bootleg Figment-type plushie dragon guy, somewhere in-between. Almost as if I could control it - I found it funny. Reasoning with it - aware. False.

My parents - nonchalantly painting nearby, the hippies they were, probly some odd Misfits or Jack Skellington thing - were freaked. Little demon boy. Babbling tongues, visions of death.

I'm told I manically constructed The Mask in this fervor... prattling on, through shaking jaws, of urbanized purgatories... the functioning dead; but, it's all hazy. 

what a cutie!

Naturally, I was sent off to school the very next day, tripping literal nuts as the world came to discover the terrifying reality of Peter's Penultimate Prank. There were even cool, creepy legal PSAs, "call us if you got fucking poisoned", on TV - I think I remember catching 'em live. It didn't take long to feel well - in fact, it wasn't all that bad. But I'll never forget.

What if that's, like... what happened? What if that's what changed me? What if that's where it all began? Could there be some dark, deeper truths behind a seven year old's inexplicable mutation from Boy, to SmogMonster... or was it all the Nut?

I had a real issue with that "Pan" guy, for years. I try an' practice peace, but sometimes... I'm the SmogMonster. I use to deliberately rotate each and every "P.P." jar I'd see, hiding the label - no more casualties. Bring it all down. Let No Bad Happen. Heck, I still won't touch 'em. That awful Bobby Driscoll Peter Pan parody in the Rescue Rangers movie? Deserved. I even fired a guy over a Smee tattoo. That's how bad it is.

Conceptual rendering by 71 Director of
Call Center Operations, "The Hintt"

Last year's investors
promotional poster!

What if I made... "Smog Nut Butter"?  "The SmogNutster?" "Smog's Sour Mystery Spread"? 

It is, however, nice of Conagra Brands, Inc, - perpetrators of the "P.P" poisoning - to fund both myself, and inadvertently, 71 as a whole; as per the annual monetary reparations - or, as the kids say, "Quiet Money" - agreed upon in a controversial out-of-court settlement. Though the infinitely generous peoples of Conagra have repeatedly asked not to be credited, characterized, or referred to as business partners... I will continue doing so.

Quiet money formed a new existence...

Okay, okay. Jokes, funny, character-writing stuff over... it was that night - the night of the visions - the Neverland virus - I... connected to the Hedorah. Smog in three parts; The Face, The Self, and The Holy Kaiju.

Hypostatic pollution.

The trick is, I'm Immortal. 

Oh yeah! I've started watching "Parks and Rec"! I guess that was my point, in all this. Cute show! I've also slipped ever-so nervously into the unfamiliar, frigid depths known as... post-Season 7 The Office. The Horror! So far, so... Odd. Robert California's me. Manager Andy feels a little too expy-Michael. It's certainly a lot more... surreal. 

Blog Post Over. 

Yellow Eyes and Art Hoes

As the perhaps infinite making of MidLife - FATE toils on, I am reminded of one of MidLife's first real public appearances; the otherworldly spark of life, beyond life - 2023's guest-spot on the weirdo indie comic strip, [REDACTED]!

The ghastly Ratipede - skele-stoner Dev, greaseball Spence, demonic The Popobawa, and dumbass Vienna - are visited by a dimension-hopping "art hoe" - star of [REDACTED]! - stumbling through Spence's mysterious trans-existential star-gate to the purgatorial realm of MidLife, only to be threatened, mocked and further instigated by the flock of undead neon losers awaiting her. Likely facing a comical death. Or worse. For no reason. 

These pages were taken from the collaborative "Sears" storyline, featuring various studios and artists' further temporal exploits through the mysterious titular box-store.

We were initially... shall we say, uninterested, in the collaboration - you can see where 71's efforts begin, and end, y’know? However, as exuberant commission rates were discussed - including catering, lodging, and pharmaceutical expenses - we graciously blessed the MidLife IP it's rejuvenating gasp, bursting from the soil with a zombie's roar... and, though certain legal constraints following the ruling of "Molene V Delaware" prevent us from properly thanking our sponsor... I wouldn't anyway! I'm the master. 

With MidLife: FATE's laborious production, even then, well underway, a new team of 32 young, peppy temps - a colorful bunch, starry-eyed dreamers fresh from the nearby Full Sail University - were "hired" for the comic, injecting it's compromised veins with the narcotic joy of artistic creation; only found pure in the inexperienced, and stupid. 

Though 31 of these 32 artists were, of course, terminated immediately upon completion, the sole remainder - color technician "Big Slim" Jim Mink, pictured below - quickly moved on to become 71 speech language pathologist, purchasing me this humorous mug in adulation. After all; how could I fire a guy threatening to shoot himself all over my vintage ALF door-poster? Thanks, Big Slim Jim!

So, yeah. That's where the Vienna on the MidLife icon to the left came from. The keen amongst you might notice I've changed her eyes - this comic's so old, it predates her solidified color scheme; her terrible eye-jaundice pretty much the final step in the  desecration of Vienna. The grosser-er, the better-er. 

From #BoringCaucasian to #PurplePower... 2017 vs 2026

Though the whole white-to-yellow thing is an inconsistency even onscreen, on film, it works. She's rotting! Like threads through the rubber eyelids of a damp plasticine corpse, we wove it in. I've come to enjoy a healthy shaking-up of color schemes as it all goes on... and on. 

...Have I ever mentioned how much I love those little tiny mandarin-type oranges? So good. 

TONIGHT'S EPISODE... Zorak Vs The Smogmonster

Space Ghost: Coast to Coast - perhaps, the greatest drama of all history; the storied tale of the host with the most, Tad Ghostal, and his epic quest to face the omnipresent forces of evil - otherwise known as Zorak, Moltar, Brak, the extended Legion of Doom, and an endless barrage of strange late 90's guests, cameos and total freakshows.

Passed down to me at a young age - a sort of, stoner family heirloom -  I instantly became a hyperfan, as I endlessly rewatched the Season Two DVD.  I believe it was from Suncoast Video. Look 'em up..

Cookout, Sharrock, Jacksonville, 20.01 - flawless nostalgic classics. Endless hilarious quotes I remember day-to-day; "You Killed the Chicken." ... "I'm one hundred percent Stupid." ... "Tonight's Episode: Hickory. Dickory. Dead." Not to mention, real wicked menus and music on that Season 2 set, literally burned into the waves of my brain...  I even remember doodling Zorak as a nasty fetal kid. Or at least, trying. Guy's hard to draw.

A shame the only complete DVD collections are bootlegs. I found this one on Craigslist. 

Dusting the Linoleum, Sir.

Was I too young? Maybe. Did it shape my entire sense of humor? Definitely. Do I owe the Ghost Planet all that I am? With Absolute Certainty. 

Back, again, when I was but a wee lad, I had the great honor of meeting the demonic extraterrestrial terrors Zorak and Moltar, themselves - that is, C. Martin Croker!- on, where else, but "sunny Ghost Planet"! The interstellar adventure of a lifetime. We even passed by the remains of Melmac. 

Such a charming guy - little-baby-me, awestruck, nervously beamed my love for Zorak, - and he was like - paraphrased - "Did you know I'm Moltar, too! MoltarbabbleMoltarbabble" - I was like... Huh?! What?! How!!! I still remember real well. I couldn't even grasp that idea. I sort of thought to myself, at the time... wait... so he... replaced Moltar's guy? Or...? 

Croker was so memorable - down to even that wicked ol' surfmonster look. Just take the incredibly dedicated signature. A signature - and it's so loving, and funny! What a guy. You can find similar examples of very personal signings and sketches, online; he truly appreciated his fans - especially a Yung Creature like me. Which also, so happens, to have been my rapper, and prison name(s), before I began going by Lil Zorak.

He is missed. A King among Adult Swim's lifeguards... the original Doctor Weird... little, lovable Steve... Truly - Zorak!

MidLife production art

One of my biggest regrets; I never got the chance to meet Space Ghost - George Lowe - despite the fact I lived right nearby his hometown for years. Perhaps I sold him some odd folk art... 

A living legend, Lowe's humor is literally unmatched; watch any interview, he's unbelievable. Any show, anything. One can only wish to have such endless charisma, literally commanding the audience. Endless comedy, endless talent. What a voice - the best voice. 

It's so great he, and Tad, got such a beautiful closer on that weird Hannah-Barbara-Universe show. Jelleestone? Money can't buy me happiness... Lowe will always be the definitive Space Ghost, to me. With that; a fabulous video tribute to Mr. Lowe...

Still walking among us; haunting the peaceful Ghost Planet; the powerful - the insightful - the musical - Brak! - Andy Merrill! Who even rocks an original Brak doodle PFP by yours truly. That being, Me. Me!! Look at me!!!

He even once sang me Feel Good Inc. Seriously!

This is all to say; on the very eve of Croker's passing, I encountered a nasty little Zorak perched atop the Everclear-bleached studio bar; who, soon, attacked my associate, The SmogMite. Disturbing.

The Lizard Of Death Vs The SmogMonster: Giant Monsters All-Out Barack

I don't know a damn thing about the Lizard of Death.  As with many a shining example of cinema, I found it about 6 feet deep though the motion picture graveyard known as YouTube. 

Mutated to enormous size by - what else? - errant atomic testing, the proverbial Death Lizard rages war on the stilted denizens of the 1950's; munching backseat lovers, roasting tanks, even kidnapping a pretty lady. Oh, the horror! Only a generic white guy, his damsel-in-distress, and a wandering possibly LGBT boychild dare challenge the Lizard's mighty reign.

The Lizard of Death is - thank Heavens!- an earnest, loving, tongue-in-cheek tribute to the creature features of the mid-20th century; Godzilla meets The Giant Gila Monster, with every bastardized B-movie banger between... though, it is worth noting, director Ben Heck has described the film as "emulation... not homage or parody". 

As far as emulation goes, it's more sort of lighthearted, and, inherently, modern than it's inspirations - it could've generally looked a bit older, the effects were self-aware, plenty of ironic and campy little lines - yet, still, it comes reasonably close to the real deal, especially for an amateur thing. Which i mention in a good way! Squint your eyes, maybe watch it off a CRT... it's a familiar lil' thriller, if you're a public-domain-sci-fi freak such as I. You can tell everyone involved was a real horror nut, likewise, and surely had nothing short of a blast! Like the toxic doom which mutated our star Lizard (of Death), the pure fun behind the project simply radiates off the screen.

Should you be seduced by the slimy slither of the Lizard of Death, details on the production are still available on Heck's wicked old-school website - including the microscopic production photos I've so savagely stolen, above. 

The Lizard of Death is among the finest kaiju flicks of the west; incredible effects rivaling that of Tsuburaya + flawless use of stock footage + conspicuous Canadians + Skeletons = Based. In Honor of our newest child, the holy Deathlizard, I've created... what may well... be the creature's first fan art. Amen. Or, Ahh-Men, for all you weirdos out there.

"Get married to a Girl! Ew!"

Wi-Fi Comedy!

Did you know, in the Good Lord's year of 2026, you can name your own personal wi-fi connection? I did... but I'm sure You didn't. 

So, what; "Smog's Wi-Fi"? "71 Business"? "71F223-2.4"? No, no - no more boring nothings, plain company titles, technical jib-jab... believe it or not, your wi-fi service can be entitled... well! just about anything you want! 

Within Reason. 

Why, just this afternoon - on my daily walk through the filthy, filthy slums of the Gulf Coast - I encountered just loads of hootin', hollerin', hilarious wi-fi boners! Of course, there's the usual suspects... "FBI Surveillance Van", always a classic... "Gangstalking Club House", heh, yawn... "Epsteinet"... where's the funny?

Well, here's the real zingers; in the famed words of Grand Vizier Jafar, "The Diamond[s] in The Rough" - a collection of cantankerous connections, with additions from none other than the beloved staff of 71! 

"There Are People Under My Veins"

"Free Trojan"

"UndergroundPandaFightingRing"

"CYBORG_PHILLY"

"GhostPlanet Guest"

"I_Believe_Wi_Can_Fi" 

"Glitch Studios Is The Death Of Art"

"Robotropolis5G"

"FancyNippleTassels" 

"Don't Call Her WiFi If You Met Her At The Freaknik"

"HumanTraffickingHQ1887"

"Ghidorah the Three-Banded Router" 

"PP-Link_69" 

"Dunder_Mifflin"

Special shout-out to "ZappsFreeWiFi", which has been inexplicably broadcasting free service from a nearby abandoned structure for, seemingly, decades; despite said Zapp's location having closed circa 1990... itself, having taken place quite a while before wi-fi, even, like.. existed. Huh. Whatever! Always comes in clutch when webby-things go awry... and how about that McDonald's!

This is all to say... I must, sadly, announce to my staff that we will be temporarily without internet connection; from today, to the foreseeable future, as the "Guys" over at Spectrum do their best to fix our little... "Unbelievable Wiring Issue". Godspeed, men!

Of course, rest assured - the Anti-Gravity Freedom Machine network, as always, stands strong.

Please direct any questions, concerns or comments to Gustavo "From The Selva" De Barcelos, 71 Chief of Human Relations and Head Receiver. Also - as a friendly reminder! - the [REDACTED] animation is due tomorrow. No exceptions, with termination of employment upon failure to deliver.

What does any of this have to do with the promotional event in which Pee-Wee Herman and I, per court order, visited hundreds of Discovery Zone locations across America to speak about Christian mission trips to Haiti? I'm not sure. 

Computron Wants To Live

Aye... what's good, Smogmonster? 

A whole lotta nothing. Binging The Office, enjoying the company pool, feasting up on mandarins and delicious iced coffee. Not to mention, fixing my sleep schedule, Little Dog in tow. Ever met a rat terrier who loves oranges?

I deserve it - as 71's glorious leader, I'm owed a week or two of Lazy. Often! After all, isn't that what upper management is for...?

Fret not, MidLivvians; as always, our crack team of disuting freaks - that is, Animators - are on the case. Of course, the A-Team (pictured below) is currently preoccupied by an upcoming semi-related music video project... y'know, the [REDACTED] one?... but, the Expendables - that is, "Saif Animadness Funhouse (ਸੈਫ ਐਨੀਮੈਡਨੈੱਸ ਫਨਹਾਊਸ)" - are keeping the MidLife ship a-sailin'.

"A fire hazard waiting to happen!" as if. 

What's interesting is, we've been repeatedly warned by OSHA (or, the Obtuse Stupid Heads Association) that our working conditions are, quote, "Unsafe", and, "A Complete Violation Of Basic Human Rights", and, "Almost Certainly Going To End In Mortal Disaster". Which is absolutely silly. 

Sure, things are tough, now. But hey - I'm no monster. I'm the Smog-Monster! The vast majority of my underlings are generously blessed the minimum legal wage - And! - management is even prepared to consider the installation of one brand-new window unit A/C somewhere near the general vicinity of employee quarters! Should production meet schedule!

Not to mention, the newly implemented (mandatory) "Crazy Costume Sundays"! What a riot!

Note: animé characters/references will not be accepted as participation

Of course, my office stays a frosty 60°. Such is life; the mad Captain of the ghostly USS Cygnus. Or... I guess, SS Guppy. It's lonely at the top; the literal top, of the building, y'know? Great view. One very few - again - deserve. But hey - as I grow older, and wiser, I've come to understand, perhaps, not everyone can be a Smogmonster. Or a Doctor Reinhardt. Or a Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch.

Sometimes, as I drown through the murky depths of our blessed company pool; staring through bloody chlorinated eyelids; I just fleetlingly remember. That old thought. The vision really breathed underwater... and maybe, it still does.