First Felt

It's been a while since I used this as a real, personal blog, yeah?

I use to vent, and ramble pretty often on this site, airing out my anxieties to noone in particular. High School drama, anxiety issues, life. It's therapy, like journaling. Just cooler. A lot of those posts are either deleted, or too drowned in depressive hysteria to make much sense, but hey - still makes me feel better to vomit up these odd, useless emotional diatribes.

storyboard art

rough ideas 

Needless to say, I'm in a rut. It's interesting to me that whole I'm going through such a difficult time, I'm also simultaneously working on a particularly dark scene for my MidLife: Fate project, where the recurring rat-demon character Skr'd is suddenly killed by an ominous, piggish shadow. 

I've actually felt quite a bit of artistic venting throughout the scene; the forgotten Egyptian diety Skr'd raging and complaining about his lot in the afterlife, all too eager to fly off the rails with the slightest nudge. Lotta angst, lotta mania, lotta issues beneath the hood - reminds me of me. Maybe we're seeing some kind of... rat-based ego-death. Hmm.

The scene's going great - MidLife is definitely one of those things that keeps me going, and grounded. Not to mention, happy. Over an hour of footage complete! Killer. The scene, which is an unnerving blend of storyboard footage and proper animation, will use a unique version of a song I released all the way back in 2019, Houses On The Land, a psychedelic dubby nightmare based around a loop from The Orb's Plum Island. It's real creepy, having always been one of my own narcissistic favorites, and I'm so excited to see it all come together. 

I'm desperately hoping a few opportunities I have bookmarked will work out, and fast; keepin' it vague, but man, it could really save the day. I'm a religious guy, in my own funky way, and believe me, I'm praying like a... machine... that prays... a lot. For real!

The important thing in times like these is to cling to your own humanity. I've gotten very, very used to being isolated, and have been made to feel useless for a very long time - but there are people out there who, by some stroke of luck, care about me, and maybe even love me. If you're anything like me, the negativity drilled into your brain - be it caused by thoughts, people, whatever it may be - will try to convince you you're nothing forever. Its naturally hard for people to "change", and depression doesn't necessarily leave, even in the best of times. But if somewhere out there, somebody wants to be by your side, and lift you up; embrace that. Don't be afraid of it. You might not even realize you are. 

I've had a recurring dream lately. A half-abandoned, parallel dimension version of my apartment; one section totally normal, cluttered in Godzilla figures, blankets and junk food, as usual, but the rest completely empty and unused - as if I'd never noticed it there. Random, labyrinthine halls filled with softy lit bedrooms and untouched kitsh decor; odd, damaged interiors, forgotten drawers full of someone else's clothing; sometimes even glimpses into the always orange-on-purple sunset sky, peering through destroyed ceilings and thin white curtains. When I'm not showering in a newly discovered bath, or resting in some odd, often totally disheveled bit of bedding, I'm often frightened by intruders eerily leering in, watching. It's usually family. 

Take that as you will; I think I see a few meanings in there. Maybe there's a section of my life I've unknowingly ignored thats begging for engagement. I've always wondered if the weird, mirror planets we visit in dreams are, maybe, a world of their own - the ones we revisit, and really understand. I guess we'll all see, someday. Till then, goodnight, Wastelnd. Keep on truckin'.