The Lizard Of Death Vs The SmogMonster: Giant Monsters All-Out Barack

I don't know a damn thing about the Lizard of Death.  As with many a shining example of cinema, I found it about 6 feet deep though the motion picture graveyard known as YouTube. 

Mutated to enormous size by - what else? - errant atomic testing, the proverbial Death Lizard rages war on the stilted denizens of the 1950's; munching backseat lovers, roasting tanks, even kidnapping a pretty lady. Oh, the horror! Only a generic white guy, his damsel-in-distress, and a wandering possibly LGBT boychild dare challenge the Lizard's mighty reign.

The Lizard of Death is - thank Heavens!- an earnest, loving, tongue-in-cheek tribute to the creature features of the mid-20th century; Godzilla meets The Giant Gila Monster, with every bastardized B-movie banger between... though, it is worth noting, director Ben Heck has described the film as "emulation... not homage or parody". 

As far as emulation goes, it's more sort of lighthearted, and, inherently, modern than it's inspirations - it could've generally looked a bit older, the effects were self-aware, plenty of ironic and campy little lines - yet, still, it comes reasonably close to the real deal, especially for an amateur thing. Which i mention in a good way! Squint your eyes, maybe watch it off a CRT... it's a familiar lil' thriller, if you're a public-domain-sci-fi freak such as I. You can tell everyone involved was a real horror nut, likewise, and surely had nothing short of a blast! Like the toxic doom which mutated our star Lizard (of Death), the pure fun behind the project simply radiates off the screen.

Should you be seduced by the slimy slither of the Lizard of Death, details on the production are still available on Heck's wicked old-school website - including the microscopic production photos I've so savagely stolen, above. 

The Lizard of Death is among the finest kaiju flicks of the west; incredible effects rivaling that of Tsuburaya + flawless use of stock footage + conspicuous Canadians + Skeletons = Based. In Honor of our newest child, the holy Deathlizard, I've created... what may well... be the creature's first fan art. Amen. Or, Ahh-Men, for all you weirdos out there.

"Get married to a Girl! Ew!"

Wacky Wong's Horrific Whodunnit

Sadly, Mr. Wong does not 
possess eye laser abilities.

In a World...

Where Boris Karloff is Chinese...

A classic brains versus brawn murder mystery! Through inky black high-speed chases, shocking assassinations, and the salting of a hat, the enigmatic Detective James Lee Wong and company investigate the mysterious death of a shipping tycoon; having been shot mere moments after a consolation-turned-confrontation with his business rival.

A man unironically exclaims "Great Scott" in this picture. Awesome. Witty - sharp - charming! Perfectly noir, and sometimes even surprisingly modern in its... well, humanity. Its often pretty funny, believe it or not. Granted you've a taste for old, dusty obscurities - and horrifying cultural appropriation - it's a real fun ol' flick.

My only complaint... it's conclusion's mad abrupt. Even a bit obvious. It sort of leaves you hanging, after really coming to know the film's unique cast of fun fast-talkers. But, I dunno - perhaps the twists-and-turns of the genre hadn't fully developed, y'know?

I knew I was really digging it during a scene where Wong instructs his snarky reporter colleague, in a brief experiment, to close her eyes, and identify where he is snapping two coins - in front, behind, or above her head; only for her to get it wrong literally every time. Happily asking how she's done, she's gracefully informed she did... Bad. She did Bad. She walks away, snapping about, looking totally mortified.

All in all, not necessarily a mind-blower or anything, but nevertheless strong. What a generally unfitting title, though - "Doomed To Die"...? I guess they were banking on Spooky Karloff? Should've called it Wacky Wong's Horrific Whodunnit. Or something.

"What's the damage?

That'll be... four dollars.

What'd she do, buy the place?!

No... that's the price... a dollar a cocktail."

Demon Robot Park: How Will Our Love Survive?

Tonight, the lads and I - that is, the night shift janitorial crew of 71 studios, and I, their enslaver - enjoyed a trio of incredible motion pictures; Demon Days Live, Robots, and the South Park movie. Pretty good variety of naughty nightmares.

The Janitorial Crew enjoying
this month's "payment"!

2-D and Murdoc puppets

Demon Days Live is a classic - my only complaints? One. Needed the Looney Tunes + Murdoc and 2-D intro. Such a horrific omission... but, at least the Puppet lads show up once or twice. I like when the bald audience member waves to the boys. Two. They should've edited in the actual Dennis Hopper bit. His performance absolutely steals the show. 

Nevertheless, DDL is so iconic - especially to us Y2K babies, who've seen it many a time on VH1 -  with dope visual direction, such wicked musicianship, and just this filthy hazy vibe to die for. It really is The Gorillaz "Thing". The only Gorillaz concert film I feel comes close, artistically, is probably The Now Now Boiler Room. 

Vienna and the Beanstalk

Blue Sky's Robots, of course, is one of the most important movies. Ever. Next to Oliver and Company, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and Barbie Princess and the Pauper, it was among my earliest faves - I owned all the toys, from the Burger King BigWeld, to the Robot City playset - drew all the characters - studied all the behind-the-scenes materials - I could go on. I wouldn't be shocked if it's boldly pro-art message really ingrained itself into my nerdy creative brain... changed everythang.

Well, that and the Peter Pan Peanut Butter contracted Salmonella!

The Varan Molester Himself.

South Park was funny - I've barely seen the series, at all, so my buddies were hype to get me initiated. The most I know are the toys, and Towlie. Ya wanna get hiiigh? I do. Unfortunately, I had some 71 business to attend to about halfway through - namely, firing lead cel painter, Pharr Ting, for inappropriate behaviors involving a Varan The Unbelievable MMS action figure (pictured, above, being inspected for - gulp - DNA evidence via blacklight). So, I kinda missed the schmeat of the flick. Good times, though, good times. I'd like to watch it again.

Speaking of screenings, a complete showing of the March 2024 MidLife - FATE workprint for the Sheikhs went swimmingly.

As such, crucial funds toward the current work-in-progress sequence - which was a track called Isotope - have been secured; with the little caveat of a new song being used in Isotope's place. In the words of Prince Saif - roughly translated, of course - "[Isotope] Sounds Too Much Like Drake." Naturally, I instantly bent to the will of my financial investors. But what of the new song...?

Miraculously, as I adjourned from the following tea party, I struck musical inspiration...

I made my way to the treacherous, hobo-littered crackden known as studio 71; only to once again encounter the Queen of Chaos herself, haunting it's sinister gates - Hexadecimal. 

The Cat!

Yes, Hex has lovingly annoyed me hearty crew for quite some while; quacking... following us inside... barking some more. It's mostly my fault - I keep feeding her. And housing her. And giving her cuddles - all while choking and wheezing from my horrific feline allergies. C'est la vie; forbidden love. Also, a really good Neon Indian song.

It's sad I can't exactly keep her; but, like Queen Hex herself - and all orange cats before her - she's Chaos. What can I say; I'm the "Bob" to her "Hex". She's off to go infect the web. Or should I say, infect Me... with Rabies!

Besides - it's all a diversion... from the real enemy. My Dog... "Mega-Bite"...

A pink night atop the 71 Parking Structure

The Max Virus

Lately, I've been watching a lot of strange 80's pop sci-fi... Flight of the Navigator, Short Circuit, and - here's a good one - the old-skool Max Headroom series. I grew up oddly surrounded by Max stuff - folders... posters... horrifying Halloween masks - my film MidLife's even got quite a bit of Headroom-biting going on; so, I figured I ought to dig in to the source material.

The pilot, directed by live-action Super Mario Brothers visionaries Rocky Morton and Annabel Jankel, was wicked; essentially following heroic journalist Edison Carter's discovery and takedown of the deadly hyper-advertisements "Blipverts" being pushed by the all-powerful Network 23, inadvertently spawning the supernatural digital doppelganger Max Headroom - a deranged corporate reflection of Carter's altruism - as he fights for the truth. 

I adore the freakout nightmare that is the '93 Mario movie, and its unique brand of strange, saturated cyberpunk is just as present, if not even moreso, in "20 Minutes Into The Future". Creepy, tense... sardonic, parodical... surreal, in that tough, 80's sense. Insanely cool.

Methinks I just really like the directors' style.

The actual series is a bit less artistically biting, less wholly subversive, but still very distinct in its smoky post-apocalyptic urban hellscape. I caught the first episode - a sort of rounded-down redux of the pilot - an episode about a war being falsified via television, and one about dreams fatally extracted and sold to an HBO-esque subscription service. Trippy stuff, but I'm not sure it reaches the pilot's potential. 

Finally, I dozed thru "The Best Of Max Headroom", some kind of Japanese LaserDisc comp of The Max Headroom Show. Not the one I just mentioned - this, like, other one. It's sort if Space Ghost was a bit more vaporwave, and evilly obsessed with golf. Funny, zany, Max-y madness, it's just what you'd expect as the talking head verbally assaults ancient unknown guests (and Sting!) and mugs like the Looney Toon he is - though, I can't deny the distinct ALF's Hit Talk Show vibes. Even if you don't know that show, its title alone should explain that away. Still, the style carries. Iconic!

The Max Virus awaits... C-C-C-Catch the wave!

Shin Godzilla VS The SmogMonster (Now In 4K)

The stone-cold classic Shin Godzilla has returned to theaters after nine years; and, by some stroke of luck, my local run-down hell-hole of a cinema scored! So, naturally, I made my way downtown - just as the mysterious Vanessa Calrton foretold- to once again catch one of my all-time favorite films. 

The day started with a ton of rain, the lawn outside my apartment practically flooding - fitting, right? IYKYK. Sometimes I worry it'll reach our doors - my Godzilla doormat was drowned. Shocker I'd own that, right? I got a couple eddies next door, as well as a couple real snacks from the dollar store, and I was off. And yes, the edibles did, in fact, melt into an unholy brick in the car.

Sadly, not my photo. X_X

I first saw Shin Godzilla on it's original US run all the way back in 2016 - though, since it was with a friend I've since lost touch with, seeing it on its second run is sorta like reclaiming a memory. Hard to believe it's basically been ten years - the build-up to Shin was unbelievable. I wasn't exactly old enough to get in on the Godzilla 2014 hype, so it was my first time actively anticipating a Godzilla film. I posted tons and tons of odds and ends I'd find across the Japanese side of Twitter and Instagram to the Toho Kingdom forums; I even remember the first glimpse at Shin himself, a little silhouetted water bottle given to extras. In fact, there were a couple seemingly fake leaks floating around the forum that later proved true once the film's conceptual materials dropped, such as the two-headed Shin, or the odd, living spawns of gory flesh. Anyone remember "Godzilla: Resurgence"?

Anyhow, it was a pretty great experience! There were only three groups in the theater, counting Shin and myself - specifically, the Monster King Series 12" vinyl, released just after the film. One couple arrived 45 minutes late - gotta assume they just had time to kill theater-hopping, I don't know how you could miss that much context in a film such as this, let alone one in a foreign language. The behavior of Theater Goers can be a serious mystery. 

I'm not usually one to care about, let alone notice 4K, 4-D, Super-Magic-Ultra-Graphics, but I did occasionally notice some difference in clarity, especially during the effect sequences. Slightly different level of contrast, more visible grain and gnarl, etc. I've also read there are some improvements to the translation/subtitle work, though nothing particularly dramatic as far as I could tell. 

What a spectacular nightmare of a movie. Really unbelievable horror, perfectly enhanced by a juxtaposed realism that can really shock in it's absurdity, yet believability. I know that's an overly wordy mouthful, but man, is it true. I'll spare you all the full Jay Sherman review, but it truly is a masterpiece; the scariest, most traumatic Godzilla film outside of the original.

It's very exciting to live in an era where the Godzilla franchise can exist both in its home country - with unusual, striking films such as Shin, or the recent Minus One - as well as Stateside - with the very fun, adventurous Monsterverse - proving just how versatile and creative the core concept of a big radioactive cartoon dinosaur can be. It's a great time to be a fan.

OBEY ZIGRA - Unbiased Thoughts on Gamera Vs Zigra

 

"No! Do not kill the people! It would be a very foolish mistake. On earth, the people live on land, and eat the things in the sea... but it is the opposite for us! We live in the sea... and eat things on land! So, you see... it would be unwise to kill the earth creatures!"

1971's Gamera Vs Zigra follows the mysterious appearance of a funky alien ship following a series of worldwide disasters, which lands somewhere off the coast nearby Kamogawa Seaworld; attracting the attention of two marine biologists working for the zoo, who's children, our stars, have secretly snuck along for the ride. Arriving at the ship's landing point, the families are teleported inside, encountering... a space woman! How strange.

The alien, "X-1", explains Zigra, who's corpse-like visage is embedded atop the ship's cobwebbed ceiling, seeks to take over the Earth after being driven to space by his homeland's deadly pollution. Broadcasting a threat to destroy Tokyo across the airwaves, the confused biologists attempt to intervene, only to be hypnotized by the woman's odd eyeball powers - with a glare and a snap, the men are comatose. The children escape, dragging their lifeless fathers along as they freeze the alien with her own technology, reappearing outside of the ship.

Zigra's body awakens the woman, demanding she to seek and destroy the children - who, as one might expect, know too much - perusing the families' small dingy, only to be intercepted by Gamera, who heroically lifts the boat to safety. As the children inform the authorities, the woman pursues the kids, posessing - or, perhaps, undressing? - various panicked passerby as she weasels her way into Seaworld, where the authorities have convened as the mainland is evacuated. Meanwhile, Gamera takes on the alien craft, destroying it via Spongebob logic as he blasts an undersea turrent of flame, releasing the mighty Zigra. Affected by the earth's conditions, Zigra grows to massive proportions, Gamera luring the demon into land only to be subdued by it's telepathically disabling beam. As per series tradition, Gamera is, temporarily, down for the count, as Zigra announces his plans to savage the Earth as he is now unable to leave.

Chasing the poor kiddies around the vacant amusement park, the alien woman is quickly apprehended, the military discovering her coma-inducing powers can be stopped via sonar as they free her from Zigra's apparent mind control - discovering that she, herself, had been kidnapped from a moon base upon Zigra's arrival. Gamera is quickly revived using this newfound advantage, once again rescuing our heroes from the forthcoming Zigra as he lures the sea creature ashore, swiftly roasting him alive - but not before performing his own theme song on the creature's Xylophone-esque spines. Epic.

I watched the Sandy Frank / King Features Entertainment dub of this one; it's really entertaining how obvious it is which VAs actually tried, and which did one-takes with zero inflection or sentence structure. I'd assume the turnaround was pretty fast, with these flicks, so, unlike compliance with Zigra's holy will, effort may not have been entirely mandatory. I like the jarring edu-tainment vibe occasionally present in this movie, characters babbling on about dolphins and whales and stuff - plays into the children's film thing so heavily, its funny. Charmingly kitsch. As a big fan of retro amusement parks, I really enjoy the Seaworld setting, too; they definitely made great use of the location, even if it's very obviously sponsored and all that. It's a great time capsule of a place that, seemingly, is still standing to this day.

Zigra's a pretty awesome kaiju - I wonder if he was influenced by Gigan, both in appearance and concept? Even his boastful personality seems pretty comparable. If memory serves, there was a bit of cross-over behind the scenes, so despite this one coming out a year earlier than 1972's Godzilla Vs Gigan, I wouldn't be surprised. I totally love how he telepathically speaks directly to humanity - not enough Kaiju communicate. It's real fun, especially with a diabolical baddie like Zigra. It's too bad his 2023 Gamera: Rebirth reimagining dropped this - I love the idea of a commandeering kaiju mastermind.

As a weird-ass side note, Zigra is described as "Hitler in a sharkskin suit" by a particularly smarmy American VHS release; therefore definitively proving that Gamera did, in fact, kill Hitler.

I find it interesting how many of these movies feature female villains - maybe guys were considered too scary? Paired with Zigra, Ms. Alien is a fun villain, and I bet she had a great time chasing those damn kids around. Hilariously strange when she possesses a woman in a super thin bikini and tells a guy she's after a couple kids over at Seaworld. Hm. "If you come closer, I'll feed them to the dolphins!" She shouts, manhandling the kiddies, standing beside... an orca whale.

Effects wise, it's pretty much the Showa era Gamera standard - if not slightly below the mark - and the same goes for its storyline; nothing special, but I enjoy it. There's certainly a lot of filler, whether it be Seaworld stock footage, or meandering human stuff, but I find it all pretty entertaining regardless. What can I say, I've gotten really accustomed to this era of Kaiju's oddball mentalities when it comes to storytelling. I think the movie keeps you pretty entertained between it's usually brisk pace and campy action.

The last of the Showa era before the low-end compilation film Gamera: Super Monster, Gamera Vs Zigra is often bemoaned for its flimsy plot and flimsier production values, but it's still a lot of fun, and delivers on just about everything the Showa Gamera pictures are famous for; obnoxiously cute kids, insane monster action, and loads of creativity. if only Gamera could've saved Shamu...

"Ha Ha. You are right. Both of your mamas are very pretty."

Pondering The X From Outer Space

I recently rewatched an obscure Kaiju classic, The X From Outer Space; a wholly forgotten, yet very creative and engaging mega-monster flick all but lost to the sands of Toku time. It and it's even rarer 2008 sequel, Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit, have been among my favorite Japanese horror movies since I salvaged them from the depths of TPB as a teen; so, I was very interested to see how it holds up all these years later, finally returning to my gross, shower-free Kaiju phase of long ago.

The X From Ouster space is, for the uninitiated, essentially about a cast of astronauts sent on a veiled suicide mission to Mars; which, in all previous expeditions, has been fatally cut short by an unknown UFO. Of course, besides the whole landing on Mars thing, the astronauts' duty is to report on this mysterious craft should it once again appear - which, it most certainly will.

Along the way, the captain, a bit of an unintentional machismo-idiot conspicuously swooned over by both his fiancé, and flashy blonde co-astronaut, experiences the dreaded space sickness; leading them to visit an imaginative base on the moon, adding the hilariously unwilling Doctor Stein, a chronically pissed off man forced to monitor the ill captain, to the crew, as they return on-course for Mars.

After their inevitable run-in with the alien craft, a mass of flashing eggs wrapped in an odd, thick substance appear on the tail end of the ship; a small egg from which is, wisely, removed and contained by the captain, soon brought back to earth for analysis. As the great minds of earth deem it better to celebrate the crew's triumphant return rather than monitor the literal alien, it escapes - Guilala, the metal-headed astro-chicken beast, emerging from a wicked eruption of fireworks and flame with a unique guttural roar. Awesome.

From here, things go south real fast for the citizens of Japan -  as Guilala wildly races towards civilization, the story becomes almost real-time, following both Guilala's rampage and the astronauts' mad race to orbit, hoping to synthesize a defense against the monster in the vacuum of space, utilizing the unknown substance. As the defense forces hurriedly study the creature, turns out, he's just greedy; targeting any, and all sources of energy - especially, nuclear - as he grows larger and stronger.

Successfully producing the coveted "Guilalanium", the crew return, only for their Earth base itself to be the next target of the power-hungry alien kaiju; the captain racing off, luring Guilala away with highly radioactive fuel in a wicked car chase as he is finally lead to his demise - jets bombarding the monster with the insulating Guilalanium substance, reducing his power, as he shrinks once again to a small, flashing egg. 

In the end, Guilala is sent on a one-way rocketship to nowhere, blasting beyond our galaxy, from whence he came; and, the idiot captain learned nothing. 

While hunting for this movie, I somehow came across what I believe are two totally different English dubs - really strange a movie this obscure would get two go-arounds. One is terrible, one is.. fine. Sure, it's blasphemy to skip the Japanese version, but all things considered, the dub I watched was pretty well done. I appreciated the on-and-off attempts give the very multinational cast mostly correct accents - dated as that may be - but the dubbing on the main mission director, Doctor Swedish, genuinely sounded like Father Guido Sarducci. The moon base's Doctor Stein (awesome name) is also hilariously performed - maybe by the same dude? - constantly on edge, and totally manic as he's a bit inexplicably coerced to join the crew. I love his screaming rant at the blonde astronaut about her crappy space food. Too bad he disappears from the movie about halfway through. 

I really dig the 60s era adventurous spirit, and bright eyed optimism - the very animated, fun music, interesting world and overall goofy vibe are totally engaging, and despite appearances, it never feels low-end or especially crappy. It takes itself seriously in the same way any fantastical sci-fi of the time did; so, in that, there's a lot of room for silliness. A good example is the oversized fruit served on the moon base, explained away by the lack of atmosphere. So creative, so weird! At times this movie feels full on Disney style whimsical.

Awesome effects - again, you go into this expecting schlock, but beyond the inherent and intentional comedy of it all, it's really well done. Lots of really creative shots and cool cinematography, with perspective views of the monster and military forces, as well as various nicely done ground level shots giving great spotlight to the beautiful sets. You can tell they're fake, but it's like a painting - every little, hand made detail is so entrancing. Guilala, portrayed by future King Ghidorah actor Ryu Hariken, is a totally mental design, but very well performed; spastic, childish, and, appropriately, alien, seemingly very entertained by destruction. My favorite part's definitely when he lifts up a massive model ship and tosses it towards a power plant, screeching in joy. You can tell a lot of money went into this production and it's a shame it's become next to public domain. 

All in all, it's hard to call this one a must-see for anyone but dedicated Kaiju nerds; while the effects sequences are awesome, and the overall spirit is lots of fun, the story itself is extremely clunky, offering more in terms of flighty narm-charm than anything resembling depth. Not necessarily uncommon for this era of Kaiju, and in that, there's still a lot to enjoy - it's worth seeing for the loveably, hilariously manic Guilala alone, one of the all-time strangest, coolest and absurdist monsters. A true King. Check'er out.